my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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