No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
accomplished twins. life is a go
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
