Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
