were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i would one night stand the shit outta him
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
