i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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