Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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