Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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