I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
