Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
