Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
