dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you didnt know i had herpes?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
