Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
