i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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