I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
