Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
