life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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