ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
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