I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
