i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
PANTIES FOUND
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
