So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
