Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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