im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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