He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
