The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
