I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
