Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
