1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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