dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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