I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
