Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
