All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
