Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
