Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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