I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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