mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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