i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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