if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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