first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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