why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
YAS. BRING CRAB.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
