All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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