I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
