that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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