my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
