why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
