Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
