I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
