woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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