sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
