i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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