A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize