So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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