he fucked my hip out of place.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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