meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
