My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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