I haven't been this sober since birth.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
