were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
