I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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