how can u be prego again
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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