not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
