JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
FUCK WHALES
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