I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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