Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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