we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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