Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We left the knife in your bed.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Randomize
