he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
