If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
