I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
